I close my eyes and I see the same picture every single time. I am in the bed and you are sitting next to me. Your eyes are filled with tears, but you try so hard to keep them in. I am telling you that I will be fine and you look at me as if I am the craziest person in the world. You open your mouth and the words come out “people die from this Renata.” I think to myself “I know that, I am not stupid, but I need you to be strong for me, believe in me, and help me through it. If this is my last moment make it count, tell me what you love about me, and let me die happy, not sad and angry.” I do not say any of it because I can see it in your eyes you already think that they gave me too much pain killers and they are eating my check with reality. They keep on giving me pain medications, but all is in vain, I feel every move and every excruciating pain. I think to myself “I feel, therefore I am still here.”
I keep on waiting for the “life flashing before my eyes,” but it never comes. All I see is you and all I think of is you. I realize in that moment how much I really love you and I wish I could go back in the church to tell the reverent to be silent and let me speak my true heart and not the bible. I did not, propriety and embarrassment got in the way. I wanted so bad to tell you right there and then what you really mean to me, but I got fearful that you would take it as my last goodbye.
Silence, you say nothing, nor do I. In all honesty, what would the true words be in such moment? “I love you” he knows that. So I ponder for awhile and say “you are not going to get rid of me that easy, I did not go through all this trouble to marry you and give you your freedom back. I will be around for a lot longer and you will be sick and tired of me, but I am not going anywhere right now. Not like this and not now.” You look at me and I can read your lack of faith. I wonder where it is, I wonder why you do not trust my words? I know, it is fear of losing me; a fear of being alone; a fear of going through my things and having to get rid of the last few years of your memories and life, as well as mine.
I can picture you intoxicated and angry, or maybe numb and in your day-dream world looking for me. I imagine myself, looking from up above screaming at you and raining on your sorrow. “I will always be with you, just look inside your heart.” You do not hear, so I just keep on rain above you. In a split of a moment the world is gone, it is still just you and all the problems that we had seems so microscopic to what I might be facing now, you as well. Our fights seem so sweet in that moment and I think to myself “what I would do for another one.” I do not say anything again, I am so afraid of how you would react and look at me. “I am not crazy” I want to scream at you to wake you up, but I do not, I just wait for death to come and take me once and for all.
I imagine being in between heaven and hell, and I see this person asking me what is the worst and most honorable thing I have done in my short life. I cry and say “I loved and killed a person at the same time.” I tear up because I cannot do that to you, I cannot hurt you so much. Still I say nothing.
We get home and I am still in pain, we are not fully out of the woods yet, but they let me home anyway. You go to work and I stay home...crying of the thought of dying alone and without you. I look deep inside my heart and I know that would kill you if you were not able to tell me your last words, but I still do not say anything to you. You come home and we act as if nothing ever happen, as if that was just a dream, but deep inside of me I have so much to say. We say words now, but they seem to be more out of necessity than anything else. I wonder every day what was going through you head, did you wanted to tell me anything, and are you still full of fear?
Sometimes I feel pain, but I say nothing. Sometimes I want to cry so much, but I do not do it. Sometimes I want to tell you that I miss myself, but you do not listen. Sometimes I want to show you who I am, but you do not want to know. Sometimes I want to win a fight, but you never let me. Sometimes I want to run so far where you cannot find me, but my feet cannot move. Sometimes I want to go back to where we were that November night because you loved me so much, but I cannot turn back time. I am lost and desperate. I feel like that imagination where I am so far from you and screaming for you to hear me, but you hear nothing. You make me feel like ghost sometimes, but I feel so alive and vivid.
No comments:
Post a Comment